Musings

10.28.18

Perhaps the part I like least about struggling with all of this is my reliability. I used to be rock solid reliable, need something covered? I’m there. Someone didn’t show up for their shift? I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m used to attending every single class and putting in all the effort and then some, in order to be successful. Even volunteer shifts I generally take extra, arrive early, leave after the job is done and if I see something that needs to be completed, I lend a hand. I feel fulfilled when I am giving my best work but also respecting my boundaries. Most of the time it is not at great cost to me, but this year has been difficult because it has been at the expensive of my health sometimes. I feel very ashamed that while I had that period of stability, I’m not at that point right now. It is costing me greatly to sacrifice my wellbeing to volunteer hours, school, and horse time. I was blind to how much I was actually flailing in my life until the conversation I had yesterday with my doctor. I feel like this relapse has not been very long and is not a big deal. I do wonder out of curiosity’s sake what would happen if I were to continue down this relapse state. I internally cringe whenever anything is said about this being serious. Having grown up as a Christian Scientist it can be very complicated to admit that anything is going wrong, mentally or physically. I was always taught that as a child of God that I cannot be sick, it was an incorrect manifestation of the mind and needed to be challenged and replaced. Well, not to knock that, but believing is much more than just saying “I’m not sick, I’m perfect and made in God’s image and likeness,” and praying about it. This is what was conditioned into me and it is a hard foundation to escape from when it is so deeply embedded. It also raises a lot of anxiety to have to turn around and tell the people around me that I’ve actually been struggling for awhile just have been in denial about it. How do I delicately put it to my friends and family, especially those who are less aware of my struggles, that I’m actually not as fine as I was portraying to everyone. Including myself… That I’ve been convincing myself that things are not actually bad and that I’m perfectly fine and can continue on as I had been forever? There’s a lot of shame around owning up to the fact that I wanted to keep the eating disorder out of the next chapter of my life, but it is persistent. This was a physical issue that progressed into a relapse, hope is not lost, I just need more time. All I require from those around me is hope and faith that I can do this, that it’s my last time, and patience because I have in the past, I just need to invest the time and finish this!

Keep Pushing!

      The struggle continues. However, it is different than it was before, and for this I am grateful. My struggle these days is continuing to make the recovery choices, and reminding myself that I don't want to go back to my eating disorder. I remind myself that I like school and having intellectual conversations with people. I had a break through just this past week and realized I was having some deep and thoughtful conversations again. I was actually able to delve into the stickier topics such as politics and recidivism for those who are incarcerated. I got to input my own opinion on the matters and follow the conversation. I cannot even remember the last time this occurred where I was fully present and not thinking about food, exercise, depression, or anxiety. It is truly amazing what recovery can bring. So I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I want to go to the gym even though it has not been cleared yet by my medical team. Or any time I want to skip a meal or snack. Or any time I think the grass is greener on the other side as I look at friends' social media and see that they are still struggling. I am not sure why this makes it so compelling every time someone I know goes back to treatment. It is boring and it just plain hurts to go through, so why is the eating disorder so competitive?       I lived that life already, for many long years I suffered through treatment stay after treatment stay. The one that made a lasting impact, I miss from time to time. However, I get to live my life now, some days my body will freak out and I will fear going to the hospital again. For the most part though, I know that I am not sabotaging my chances at being healthy. I long for the days where I am well, and whole, and open to life's experiences. I know that continuing on this path that I am on, will get me there. Choosing the self-destruction path only leads to more disappointment and frustration, whereas choosing the path to being myself will lead to balance and fulfillment.

I'm not broken!

Today, I had a unique opportunity that doesn't come around very often. We had just completed our weekly reading for class which included a Ted Talk I know quite well by now. It's about the power of vulnerability by Brené Brown. Over the course of the last few years I have had the opportunity to hear and analyze the talk countless times, thanks to therapy and also being a Psychology major. I also have the fortune of having a psychologist as my mom, so now Brené Brown books can be found on the bookshelf. 😉 For my classmates, however, this was a new experience. During our mentor session we were encouraged to share a little bit about ourselves, and it went way deeper than our mentor anticipated. I felt compelled to tell some of my truth, and it has been great to not feel like I am hiding. Many people asked why I am taking a freshman class, or why I'm so old and still in a freshman class (easy now, I'm only 24!) Usually when asked, I say because I went into the military and then leave them to draw their own conclusions. The reality is, comparisons have been an ugly beast on my journey. I find shame in the fact that I'm still in school and it has been years since most of my original class has graduated, some even with their master's. I feel dumb because I took a different path, and it led me through some of the toughest obstacles I have ever experienced. I admitted this is the first term I am taking 8 credits and actually made it to the 4th week (and plan to finish) without having to withdraw, I haven't done this since before the military. The differences between now and then are amazing to me. I talk to people, heck, sometimes in class, I'm the first one to speak! I'm not broken anymore, maybe I never really was. My dear dad, the engineer that he is, was always rigging something up while I was growing up. We even fixed our futon with school glue one time. The point being that while sometimes it was not pretty, it was functional. I like to think that as a person, I'd prefer it be functional rather than it has to be perfect. I spent the greater part of the last 4 years rebuilding my life and repairing myself, and I am proud that these days, I'm a pretty functional human.

Reconnecting with who I really am

Hello friends! Well, nobody actually reads this, but that's okay!

Anyways, I last posted in March, and since then I had my tonsils removed, and probably the scariest presentation of my eating disorder to date. It was not great. I went back to a PHP program near home, struggled there, and stepped up to residential. Where ambivalence (my word of the year) seemed to only get worse. Did it matter that I had been regularly going to the ER? Did it matter I had to be hospitalized? Nope. It was just second nature at that point in time, in order to keep away the trauma of my past, I had to numb out via restriction of food and overexercise. Is this really the most effective coping skills? Again, nope. However it was very adaptive. Between that time I came back home and somewhere in the transition from Rainrock and PHP, I started to find myself again. Little by little I found that I don't NEED the eating disorder to survive anymore. True, it has its uses, but I'm working towards a place it doesn't dictate what I can or cannot do.

I started to laugh again, actually laugh, and smile. And dance. And pull pranks. All because my head was so much clearer, and I overcame. I stay in contact with people and try my hardest to not back out on commitments, this is a big deal for me because I was quite unreliable in the depths of my disorder.

Today I find myself struggling again with anger and apathy. I am angry because things weren't granted exercise wise and because I'm not in that place I was in March/April that I should be given those privileges. How sad is it that my brain automatically goes to the thought "I'm good and should get this because I am not going to the hospital every few days! See? Everything is fine, I'm fine." Just because I am not currently going to the ER every week doesn't necessarily mean everything is fine and peachy health wise. It takes a lot longer to heal from years of illness. I am trying to remember that even though it feels very unfair right now.

I'm struggling with having come this far only to freak out and go back. I am using some behaviors but not all, I am reminded again of group today. "You know that path and where it takes you, you've been down it before, it is boring. Honestly, Anni, who knows if you would even survive it this time?"
This hit me like a slap in the face, because my eating disorder has always been so adept at pointing out I wasn't having severe physical complications as a result of my behaviors. Well, it doesn't happen until it does. It hits hard, an ever present reminder of how you messed up your body will linger. I am grateful for these reality checks along the way, not everything is black and white as my eating disorder would have me believe.

I'm trying to regain some traction in this final push towards being whole, the journey has been hard and long but I hope I can reach out for help, it's easier when there are people around who care.

Anni

Reflections on the last year

       First off, when I started this blog I only seem to return to it when I'm struggling. And I post far fewer times than that. I suppose in a way it preserves my memories that I haven't deleted yet. In most other places I have long since destroyed any piece of my past (pictures, letters, etc) I don't hold onto things. I'm wondering now, if I should even keep this here or let it go. I'm plenty good at letting all the wrong things go it seems. We'll call this my pensive in a manner of speaking. Huge Harry Potter nerd over here, but you wouldn't know that because, well, I only talk about my illness here it seems.

interlude to social media post

      As Eating Disorder Awareness Week continues I have noticed (as is common with every year) the ever present "before and after" shots popping up. To the casual (read: non-eating disordered) observer it can seem harmless, though additional attention may be paid to the "before" picture. To someone with an eating disorder, however, it can spark competition. Let's all be honest with ourselves, these images are not spreading awareness but continuing the stigma that someone with an eating disorder has to be thin. Eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses that present physical conditions as a result of behaviors associated with the illness. This continuation of circulating "sick" pictures around perpetuates the glamorization of eating disorders, which as is not made apparent by mainstream media can happen at any weight. 

      I struggle with watching this happen year after year and desperately wanting to say something, but not knowing how to get my message across gracefully. I, myself, have been wondering if I was going to just let it pass without saying anything. Apparently not.

     I find myself reflecting on the past year frequently. Last year was my first time "out" about my own eating disorder. I was in a solid place and feeling like nothing was going to get between me and my recovery. It's true that a lot of good has come out of the last year, but am I where I thought I would be? No. Relapse is miserable, completely and totally. I was on a roll and I have made it now 2 years (!!!) without some behaviors. I'm now trying to find that confidence I had last year to finally be well and whole again. I know I can do it because I've done it before, and it brought so many blessings. I am disheartened to admit that I did backslide after it seeming like I had it. I was doing it (life, love, recovery), and it slipped, but it is recoverable. I hold hope that this can be different.

       Anyways, rant (ramble?) over. Enjoy your day. 

Getting sick

I think getting sick and still trying recovery has got to be the hardest thing ever. When you think about it, what do you do when you're sick? Sleep, usually. Does that include eating? Not often. I was recently put on an antibiotic and didn't eat. This has caused quite the rift between my dietician and I. It has been frustrating on all accounts but honestly, I didn't expect to relapse this far. After journeying through some old forums I realized I have to stop. This isn't good, I shouldn't be reading about how to lose weight safely, because it won't be safe. I should be focusing on the class that I'm currently taking, not some forum full of sick people giving me advice. I can't seem to help it though. I haven't been to work in over a week because this illness has put me on my butt and I can't seem to pull it together enough to actually get to my job and focus.

At what point will it be too far? I keep weighing myself and while the number goes down, it will never be enough. I hit that point where the hunger doesn't really hurt as much, which should be scary but instead my brain just says that because I'm not working out that I don't need as much anyways, Overall it is very frustrating and in my healthy mind this would be downright scary to think that it goes this fast. Yet, I'm still doing it.

Another point is that I haven't been able to ride because I get too dizzy. I was going to but a lot of people have been looking out for me and discouraging me to ride. This above all may provide the motivation to dig myself out. Riding is about the only thing I had going for me and if I can't ride, what am I supposed to do to keep the bad thoughts away? It is my healthy release and I need to get back to it.

Anyways, you're welcome for the fever-induced nonsense I just typed out.

-A.

Here's to another year?

Yesterday was my birthday and while I suffer from social anxiety things, it was nice. I can't remember the first time I actually felt like I wanted to be noticed. So yesterday was interesting in that regard. I frequently get stuck in this "notice me but don't look at me" cycle. Anyways, I went to work and that was funny because I got some of my kids (in lessons) to do some cool things. I told them that it was my birthday and to do some good listening and for the most part they did! I also got a hug from the most adorable little swimmer ever!

After work a few coworkers invited me out (which I never usually accept) and I went. It was surprisingly nice even if we had food. Going out=food=eventual behaviors=really bad night. But it was okay and really nice of her to get it together. I even found enjoyment out of talking with people. Since the start of this relapse I have had a very limited social life, so it was nice to actually mingle with people.

Another note on recovery. This just rubs me the wrong way, there is always so much support when someone is stepping up to residential, PHP, or even IOP. What about those of us who are struggling but not needing a higher level of care? Everyone wants to support you when you are struggling the most but what if it is old news? I feel like I am having way too hard of a time but everyone around me assumes because I'm not going to the hospital or anything that I should be over it by now. Some of this is projection but at the same time, when is enough, enough?

At least riding has been helpful, for a few hours, everything seems to just melt away. It is a much welcomed and newly found reprieve from my normal. That guy is helping me a lot!

Anyways, this is a mixed post but it is me. 

I wish I had some readers but this is okay.

-A.