Deja vu *****trigger warning*****

I don't know if this is rock bottom or not. But it is hard.

*****TRIGGER WARNING******

I am so disappointed in myself. I was in recovery for a solid few months. Then all of a sudden, more struggles. I see my doctor once a week and she has told me if I meet criteria again, I won't just get an Ensure and be on my way, I either go where she wants me to (the hospital) or I stop seeing her. It is so incredibly difficult to go through this again. I don't feel sick, but my body tells a different story. I don't feel like I'm declining, but my actions say differently. Why is this such a big part of my identity? How do I overcome this? Why did I get so close only to fall away again?

My doctor is holding work over my head (I did get the swim job, it's great). If I don't eat, I don't work. Which sounds reasonable to me but unfair to my eating disorder. I just wish I didn't have to choose, but I do. It could be life or death as it has been before in my life. When you get so stuck it really seems like nothing else matters, even though it should. To really give up my job would be devastating, working in the pool isn't ideal, but working with those kids, it brings me to life. I only feel like I am worthwhile there, but to what point? It also fuels my eating disorder, I can be really active and still be with kids. A win-win. On the days I lack energy because I have been restricting, I figure I just need to try harder to be peppy. I feel torn between what is right (recovery) and what feels better because I have less PTSD symptoms (my eating disorder. I am so ashamed to have fallen again. On the plus side, I am over a year purge free!

Life Stuff Vent

Well normally I'm not one to write about this and put it out there, but here goes! I'm sitting in the worst weather possible thinking about life. I'm on pass from a residential facility, letting go of my eating disorder has been the hardest thing possible. I really do think that it is beneficial and at the same time I can see what I have lost.
For starters, most of 2015 is gone, here we are in December and I have spent most of the year in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I'm still alive (most days), it's just the small things. I missed my last chance to march my age out for drum corps.
I have actively been trying to do drum corps since getting back from the military. Injury and primarily mental illness have prevented me from being able to be away from my treatment team for any length of time. It is very discouraging to watch your friends continue on and march when that is something you desperately want to do. Anyways, my last post is from February, call me crazy (because the idea was) but I wanted so badly to get in and out and stable so I could march my last year of drum corps. Well, you know what? May came and I had to stay longer, and for good reason. If I'm not medically stable, I am probably not mentally or emotionally stable either. There is no room for that in drum corps, I'm aware that staying in treatment was a good idea but it was a really hard decision to make. I got out, went home right in the middle of the season, thought about filling a hole but my recovery was so fragile at that point. So I didn't and I relapsed anyways and went back to the same place shortly after.
I'm on a pass now and hopefully getting my stuff together. Do I want recovery? Some days. It's the hard days that I try to remind myself, I don't want life in an eating disorder. I tried that, look where it got me. It is absolutely miserable. Yet, it is so strong too, that it convinces me things will be different this time. I try so hard not to hear it but I can't.
On a different (or maybe related) note, I am going to a job interview tomorrow for a swim school. I am super excited but also worried it might trigger another return of my eating disorder. I really want to do my best with recovery but taking that kind of job is rough, I used it to fuel my exercise obsession in a big way, going at it all day long and not fueling my body was detrimental and as we saw in February led me to residential treatment for my eating disorder, not a happy time. I'll try to do a better job keeping my non-existent followers more up to date.

-A.

The cycle continues

Hello all!

I'm not great about keeping up to date with all of this. Honestly though, I am really struggling with the beast of PTSD, anxiety, and my eating disorder. Insurance pending I may be heading off to treatment again. I had to quit my job and that was really hard because I loved doing that kind of work. I may have to withdraw from all of my classes.....AGAIN. This is so frustrating but it will be my last time. I hope insurance cooperates because this is my time. I am struggling with the patience to know that whatever happens, will happen. I can only do so much to try to influence that. In effort to calm myself down I decided to listen to some talks. Naturally, Heavenly Father provided me with the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment.

Soon I was listening to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" a talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland from November 1999. Of course, I love all the talks done by Elder Holland, but this one spoke to my soul. I like the visual that God is with me every step of this journey, through all the hardships and triumphs. I will not perish forever. Also of note is the very soothing quote, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." While at this moment it is hard to relive that feeling of comfort, it was awesome to feel at the time. I'm praying that I will find peace with what is to come.

I am actively trying to better myself despite the consequences and demons that are consuming me. I will try to do better with updating this blog too. Maybe even sharing it when the time comes. In the meantime, the wait continues!

-A.

Out of Treatment Again

It happened. I returned to my home state and promptly fell on my face. However even more discouraging, I didn't even try to fight it this time. I finally called it quits on Wednesday and decided to take a treatment break because the PTSD was too bad to continue any other work. I'm doing EMDR on an outpatient basis once a week and otherwise just engaging in behaviors all day long. Aside from work of course, if you can count the fact that I am a swim instructor and move around all day long. I'll post more on this later because I have to run right now. Just a quick update.
-A.

From where I sit

Hello there, friends!
I write this from treatment once again. I cannot fully express all of my feelings about this and I don't fully expect to try at this time. I've now been in treatment for my eating disorder for 7 weeks this round. I tried a PHP but found myself needing more care than that. I opted to go to a facility in California this time because all of my options in my home state had already been exhausted. I now write from the art room of this residential facility, and to say I've liked it is quite a far fetched idea. It is necessary, yes. Enjoyable? Not so much. I'm glad I'm getting the containment I need for the PTSD as well as the eating disorder but right now I'd do anything to go on a run. I guess that's just something else I need to be working on during my stay. I probably have only a few more weeks left here, and I'm both thankful and terrified of the looming return to my home state and the PHP program there. I also have these waves of feeling like I'm super motivated to return home and not fall flat on my face, but my track record says otherwise. On an unrelated note, I have strep again which is just peachy. Wish me luck for the rest of my stay here!


-A.

To treatment again?

I'm faced with a difficult decision once more. Should I enter treatment again? Up until this point I had been going on campus to see a counselor, nutritionist, and nurse. However, due to my extreme relapse I find myself back where I was about a year ago. Needing treatment but not willing to admit that I needed treatment. I'm not ready to try this again. It's something I desperately need to do though. My lab results keep coming back with dismal numbers, and my heart is starting to fail. My kidneys and liver are shot and you think this'd be enough to get me to seek treatment, but my new job is so triggering. I exercise all day, and then go back for more, it's horrible. However, I cannot get away from it. I love being in a pool all day and to seek treatment would mean not going everyday. I don't think I can handle that.