I want to be normal?

I was coaching my dad in the art of swimming techniques. It made me think. What am I doing right now?

Going nowhere it feels like.

I'm not sure how to combat this, but I will try. I got a call from the ED treatment, I start on Tuesday. There is no backing out, as much as I love/hate my issues, I wonder what it's like to be normal. To go a whole day without thinking about my problem spots and how much I need to lose. How many calories are in EVERY bite of food I consume. The numbers swirl through my head in a never ending cycle. I am so ready for that to at least be more calm.

I have prayed long and hard about this. I finally found peace in my heart. While my brain sometimes works against me, at least I know that God's plan for me is much better than this pseudo-reality I've created for myself. This isn't living, this isn't what God intended for me. It's time for me to let go, I know this to be true. I'm not meant to suffer needlessly. Hopefully, however, I can be a lesson. Or help out others who find themselves in my position. I know how dark it can be, and any ray of light no matter how dim it may be, helps.

I'm feeling a little bit more hopeful than dreading the coming days. It might get ugly, and I implore whoever reads this, to say a little prayer for me. I'll be saying plenty of my own, but any help is greatly appreciated.

-A.