Musings

10.28.18

Perhaps the part I like least about struggling with all of this is my reliability. I used to be rock solid reliable, need something covered? I’m there. Someone didn’t show up for their shift? I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m used to attending every single class and putting in all the effort and then some, in order to be successful. Even volunteer shifts I generally take extra, arrive early, leave after the job is done and if I see something that needs to be completed, I lend a hand. I feel fulfilled when I am giving my best work but also respecting my boundaries. Most of the time it is not at great cost to me, but this year has been difficult because it has been at the expensive of my health sometimes. I feel very ashamed that while I had that period of stability, I’m not at that point right now. It is costing me greatly to sacrifice my wellbeing to volunteer hours, school, and horse time. I was blind to how much I was actually flailing in my life until the conversation I had yesterday with my doctor. I feel like this relapse has not been very long and is not a big deal. I do wonder out of curiosity’s sake what would happen if I were to continue down this relapse state. I internally cringe whenever anything is said about this being serious. Having grown up as a Christian Scientist it can be very complicated to admit that anything is going wrong, mentally or physically. I was always taught that as a child of God that I cannot be sick, it was an incorrect manifestation of the mind and needed to be challenged and replaced. Well, not to knock that, but believing is much more than just saying “I’m not sick, I’m perfect and made in God’s image and likeness,” and praying about it. This is what was conditioned into me and it is a hard foundation to escape from when it is so deeply embedded. It also raises a lot of anxiety to have to turn around and tell the people around me that I’ve actually been struggling for awhile just have been in denial about it. How do I delicately put it to my friends and family, especially those who are less aware of my struggles, that I’m actually not as fine as I was portraying to everyone. Including myself… That I’ve been convincing myself that things are not actually bad and that I’m perfectly fine and can continue on as I had been forever? There’s a lot of shame around owning up to the fact that I wanted to keep the eating disorder out of the next chapter of my life, but it is persistent. This was a physical issue that progressed into a relapse, hope is not lost, I just need more time. All I require from those around me is hope and faith that I can do this, that it’s my last time, and patience because I have in the past, I just need to invest the time and finish this!

Keep Pushing!

      The struggle continues. However, it is different than it was before, and for this I am grateful. My struggle these days is continuing to make the recovery choices, and reminding myself that I don't want to go back to my eating disorder. I remind myself that I like school and having intellectual conversations with people. I had a break through just this past week and realized I was having some deep and thoughtful conversations again. I was actually able to delve into the stickier topics such as politics and recidivism for those who are incarcerated. I got to input my own opinion on the matters and follow the conversation. I cannot even remember the last time this occurred where I was fully present and not thinking about food, exercise, depression, or anxiety. It is truly amazing what recovery can bring. So I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I want to go to the gym even though it has not been cleared yet by my medical team. Or any time I want to skip a meal or snack. Or any time I think the grass is greener on the other side as I look at friends' social media and see that they are still struggling. I am not sure why this makes it so compelling every time someone I know goes back to treatment. It is boring and it just plain hurts to go through, so why is the eating disorder so competitive?       I lived that life already, for many long years I suffered through treatment stay after treatment stay. The one that made a lasting impact, I miss from time to time. However, I get to live my life now, some days my body will freak out and I will fear going to the hospital again. For the most part though, I know that I am not sabotaging my chances at being healthy. I long for the days where I am well, and whole, and open to life's experiences. I know that continuing on this path that I am on, will get me there. Choosing the self-destruction path only leads to more disappointment and frustration, whereas choosing the path to being myself will lead to balance and fulfillment.

I'm not broken!

Today, I had a unique opportunity that doesn't come around very often. We had just completed our weekly reading for class which included a Ted Talk I know quite well by now. It's about the power of vulnerability by Brené Brown. Over the course of the last few years I have had the opportunity to hear and analyze the talk countless times, thanks to therapy and also being a Psychology major. I also have the fortune of having a psychologist as my mom, so now Brené Brown books can be found on the bookshelf. 😉 For my classmates, however, this was a new experience. During our mentor session we were encouraged to share a little bit about ourselves, and it went way deeper than our mentor anticipated. I felt compelled to tell some of my truth, and it has been great to not feel like I am hiding. Many people asked why I am taking a freshman class, or why I'm so old and still in a freshman class (easy now, I'm only 24!) Usually when asked, I say because I went into the military and then leave them to draw their own conclusions. The reality is, comparisons have been an ugly beast on my journey. I find shame in the fact that I'm still in school and it has been years since most of my original class has graduated, some even with their master's. I feel dumb because I took a different path, and it led me through some of the toughest obstacles I have ever experienced. I admitted this is the first term I am taking 8 credits and actually made it to the 4th week (and plan to finish) without having to withdraw, I haven't done this since before the military. The differences between now and then are amazing to me. I talk to people, heck, sometimes in class, I'm the first one to speak! I'm not broken anymore, maybe I never really was. My dear dad, the engineer that he is, was always rigging something up while I was growing up. We even fixed our futon with school glue one time. The point being that while sometimes it was not pretty, it was functional. I like to think that as a person, I'd prefer it be functional rather than it has to be perfect. I spent the greater part of the last 4 years rebuilding my life and repairing myself, and I am proud that these days, I'm a pretty functional human.

Reconnecting with who I really am

Hello friends! Well, nobody actually reads this, but that's okay!

Anyways, I last posted in March, and since then I had my tonsils removed, and probably the scariest presentation of my eating disorder to date. It was not great. I went back to a PHP program near home, struggled there, and stepped up to residential. Where ambivalence (my word of the year) seemed to only get worse. Did it matter that I had been regularly going to the ER? Did it matter I had to be hospitalized? Nope. It was just second nature at that point in time, in order to keep away the trauma of my past, I had to numb out via restriction of food and overexercise. Is this really the most effective coping skills? Again, nope. However it was very adaptive. Between that time I came back home and somewhere in the transition from Rainrock and PHP, I started to find myself again. Little by little I found that I don't NEED the eating disorder to survive anymore. True, it has its uses, but I'm working towards a place it doesn't dictate what I can or cannot do.

I started to laugh again, actually laugh, and smile. And dance. And pull pranks. All because my head was so much clearer, and I overcame. I stay in contact with people and try my hardest to not back out on commitments, this is a big deal for me because I was quite unreliable in the depths of my disorder.

Today I find myself struggling again with anger and apathy. I am angry because things weren't granted exercise wise and because I'm not in that place I was in March/April that I should be given those privileges. How sad is it that my brain automatically goes to the thought "I'm good and should get this because I am not going to the hospital every few days! See? Everything is fine, I'm fine." Just because I am not currently going to the ER every week doesn't necessarily mean everything is fine and peachy health wise. It takes a lot longer to heal from years of illness. I am trying to remember that even though it feels very unfair right now.

I'm struggling with having come this far only to freak out and go back. I am using some behaviors but not all, I am reminded again of group today. "You know that path and where it takes you, you've been down it before, it is boring. Honestly, Anni, who knows if you would even survive it this time?"
This hit me like a slap in the face, because my eating disorder has always been so adept at pointing out I wasn't having severe physical complications as a result of my behaviors. Well, it doesn't happen until it does. It hits hard, an ever present reminder of how you messed up your body will linger. I am grateful for these reality checks along the way, not everything is black and white as my eating disorder would have me believe.

I'm trying to regain some traction in this final push towards being whole, the journey has been hard and long but I hope I can reach out for help, it's easier when there are people around who care.

Anni

Reflections on the last year

       First off, when I started this blog I only seem to return to it when I'm struggling. And I post far fewer times than that. I suppose in a way it preserves my memories that I haven't deleted yet. In most other places I have long since destroyed any piece of my past (pictures, letters, etc) I don't hold onto things. I'm wondering now, if I should even keep this here or let it go. I'm plenty good at letting all the wrong things go it seems. We'll call this my pensive in a manner of speaking. Huge Harry Potter nerd over here, but you wouldn't know that because, well, I only talk about my illness here it seems.

interlude to social media post

      As Eating Disorder Awareness Week continues I have noticed (as is common with every year) the ever present "before and after" shots popping up. To the casual (read: non-eating disordered) observer it can seem harmless, though additional attention may be paid to the "before" picture. To someone with an eating disorder, however, it can spark competition. Let's all be honest with ourselves, these images are not spreading awareness but continuing the stigma that someone with an eating disorder has to be thin. Eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses that present physical conditions as a result of behaviors associated with the illness. This continuation of circulating "sick" pictures around perpetuates the glamorization of eating disorders, which as is not made apparent by mainstream media can happen at any weight. 

      I struggle with watching this happen year after year and desperately wanting to say something, but not knowing how to get my message across gracefully. I, myself, have been wondering if I was going to just let it pass without saying anything. Apparently not.

     I find myself reflecting on the past year frequently. Last year was my first time "out" about my own eating disorder. I was in a solid place and feeling like nothing was going to get between me and my recovery. It's true that a lot of good has come out of the last year, but am I where I thought I would be? No. Relapse is miserable, completely and totally. I was on a roll and I have made it now 2 years (!!!) without some behaviors. I'm now trying to find that confidence I had last year to finally be well and whole again. I know I can do it because I've done it before, and it brought so many blessings. I am disheartened to admit that I did backslide after it seeming like I had it. I was doing it (life, love, recovery), and it slipped, but it is recoverable. I hold hope that this can be different.

       Anyways, rant (ramble?) over. Enjoy your day. 

Getting sick

I think getting sick and still trying recovery has got to be the hardest thing ever. When you think about it, what do you do when you're sick? Sleep, usually. Does that include eating? Not often. I was recently put on an antibiotic and didn't eat. This has caused quite the rift between my dietician and I. It has been frustrating on all accounts but honestly, I didn't expect to relapse this far. After journeying through some old forums I realized I have to stop. This isn't good, I shouldn't be reading about how to lose weight safely, because it won't be safe. I should be focusing on the class that I'm currently taking, not some forum full of sick people giving me advice. I can't seem to help it though. I haven't been to work in over a week because this illness has put me on my butt and I can't seem to pull it together enough to actually get to my job and focus.

At what point will it be too far? I keep weighing myself and while the number goes down, it will never be enough. I hit that point where the hunger doesn't really hurt as much, which should be scary but instead my brain just says that because I'm not working out that I don't need as much anyways, Overall it is very frustrating and in my healthy mind this would be downright scary to think that it goes this fast. Yet, I'm still doing it.

Another point is that I haven't been able to ride because I get too dizzy. I was going to but a lot of people have been looking out for me and discouraging me to ride. This above all may provide the motivation to dig myself out. Riding is about the only thing I had going for me and if I can't ride, what am I supposed to do to keep the bad thoughts away? It is my healthy release and I need to get back to it.

Anyways, you're welcome for the fever-induced nonsense I just typed out.

-A.

Here's to another year?

Yesterday was my birthday and while I suffer from social anxiety things, it was nice. I can't remember the first time I actually felt like I wanted to be noticed. So yesterday was interesting in that regard. I frequently get stuck in this "notice me but don't look at me" cycle. Anyways, I went to work and that was funny because I got some of my kids (in lessons) to do some cool things. I told them that it was my birthday and to do some good listening and for the most part they did! I also got a hug from the most adorable little swimmer ever!

After work a few coworkers invited me out (which I never usually accept) and I went. It was surprisingly nice even if we had food. Going out=food=eventual behaviors=really bad night. But it was okay and really nice of her to get it together. I even found enjoyment out of talking with people. Since the start of this relapse I have had a very limited social life, so it was nice to actually mingle with people.

Another note on recovery. This just rubs me the wrong way, there is always so much support when someone is stepping up to residential, PHP, or even IOP. What about those of us who are struggling but not needing a higher level of care? Everyone wants to support you when you are struggling the most but what if it is old news? I feel like I am having way too hard of a time but everyone around me assumes because I'm not going to the hospital or anything that I should be over it by now. Some of this is projection but at the same time, when is enough, enough?

At least riding has been helpful, for a few hours, everything seems to just melt away. It is a much welcomed and newly found reprieve from my normal. That guy is helping me a lot!

Anyways, this is a mixed post but it is me. 

I wish I had some readers but this is okay.

-A.

Deja vu *****trigger warning*****

I don't know if this is rock bottom or not. But it is hard.

*****TRIGGER WARNING******

I am so disappointed in myself. I was in recovery for a solid few months. Then all of a sudden, more struggles. I see my doctor once a week and she has told me if I meet criteria again, I won't just get an Ensure and be on my way, I either go where she wants me to (the hospital) or I stop seeing her. It is so incredibly difficult to go through this again. I don't feel sick, but my body tells a different story. I don't feel like I'm declining, but my actions say differently. Why is this such a big part of my identity? How do I overcome this? Why did I get so close only to fall away again?

My doctor is holding work over my head (I did get the swim job, it's great). If I don't eat, I don't work. Which sounds reasonable to me but unfair to my eating disorder. I just wish I didn't have to choose, but I do. It could be life or death as it has been before in my life. When you get so stuck it really seems like nothing else matters, even though it should. To really give up my job would be devastating, working in the pool isn't ideal, but working with those kids, it brings me to life. I only feel like I am worthwhile there, but to what point? It also fuels my eating disorder, I can be really active and still be with kids. A win-win. On the days I lack energy because I have been restricting, I figure I just need to try harder to be peppy. I feel torn between what is right (recovery) and what feels better because I have less PTSD symptoms (my eating disorder. I am so ashamed to have fallen again. On the plus side, I am over a year purge free!

Life Stuff Vent

Well normally I'm not one to write about this and put it out there, but here goes! I'm sitting in the worst weather possible thinking about life. I'm on pass from a residential facility, letting go of my eating disorder has been the hardest thing possible. I really do think that it is beneficial and at the same time I can see what I have lost.
For starters, most of 2015 is gone, here we are in December and I have spent most of the year in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I'm still alive (most days), it's just the small things. I missed my last chance to march my age out for drum corps.
I have actively been trying to do drum corps since getting back from the military. Injury and primarily mental illness have prevented me from being able to be away from my treatment team for any length of time. It is very discouraging to watch your friends continue on and march when that is something you desperately want to do. Anyways, my last post is from February, call me crazy (because the idea was) but I wanted so badly to get in and out and stable so I could march my last year of drum corps. Well, you know what? May came and I had to stay longer, and for good reason. If I'm not medically stable, I am probably not mentally or emotionally stable either. There is no room for that in drum corps, I'm aware that staying in treatment was a good idea but it was a really hard decision to make. I got out, went home right in the middle of the season, thought about filling a hole but my recovery was so fragile at that point. So I didn't and I relapsed anyways and went back to the same place shortly after.
I'm on a pass now and hopefully getting my stuff together. Do I want recovery? Some days. It's the hard days that I try to remind myself, I don't want life in an eating disorder. I tried that, look where it got me. It is absolutely miserable. Yet, it is so strong too, that it convinces me things will be different this time. I try so hard not to hear it but I can't.
On a different (or maybe related) note, I am going to a job interview tomorrow for a swim school. I am super excited but also worried it might trigger another return of my eating disorder. I really want to do my best with recovery but taking that kind of job is rough, I used it to fuel my exercise obsession in a big way, going at it all day long and not fueling my body was detrimental and as we saw in February led me to residential treatment for my eating disorder, not a happy time. I'll try to do a better job keeping my non-existent followers more up to date.

-A.

The cycle continues

Hello all!

I'm not great about keeping up to date with all of this. Honestly though, I am really struggling with the beast of PTSD, anxiety, and my eating disorder. Insurance pending I may be heading off to treatment again. I had to quit my job and that was really hard because I loved doing that kind of work. I may have to withdraw from all of my classes.....AGAIN. This is so frustrating but it will be my last time. I hope insurance cooperates because this is my time. I am struggling with the patience to know that whatever happens, will happen. I can only do so much to try to influence that. In effort to calm myself down I decided to listen to some talks. Naturally, Heavenly Father provided me with the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment.

Soon I was listening to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" a talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland from November 1999. Of course, I love all the talks done by Elder Holland, but this one spoke to my soul. I like the visual that God is with me every step of this journey, through all the hardships and triumphs. I will not perish forever. Also of note is the very soothing quote, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." While at this moment it is hard to relive that feeling of comfort, it was awesome to feel at the time. I'm praying that I will find peace with what is to come.

I am actively trying to better myself despite the consequences and demons that are consuming me. I will try to do better with updating this blog too. Maybe even sharing it when the time comes. In the meantime, the wait continues!

-A.

Out of Treatment Again

It happened. I returned to my home state and promptly fell on my face. However even more discouraging, I didn't even try to fight it this time. I finally called it quits on Wednesday and decided to take a treatment break because the PTSD was too bad to continue any other work. I'm doing EMDR on an outpatient basis once a week and otherwise just engaging in behaviors all day long. Aside from work of course, if you can count the fact that I am a swim instructor and move around all day long. I'll post more on this later because I have to run right now. Just a quick update.
-A.

From where I sit

Hello there, friends!
I write this from treatment once again. I cannot fully express all of my feelings about this and I don't fully expect to try at this time. I've now been in treatment for my eating disorder for 7 weeks this round. I tried a PHP but found myself needing more care than that. I opted to go to a facility in California this time because all of my options in my home state had already been exhausted. I now write from the art room of this residential facility, and to say I've liked it is quite a far fetched idea. It is necessary, yes. Enjoyable? Not so much. I'm glad I'm getting the containment I need for the PTSD as well as the eating disorder but right now I'd do anything to go on a run. I guess that's just something else I need to be working on during my stay. I probably have only a few more weeks left here, and I'm both thankful and terrified of the looming return to my home state and the PHP program there. I also have these waves of feeling like I'm super motivated to return home and not fall flat on my face, but my track record says otherwise. On an unrelated note, I have strep again which is just peachy. Wish me luck for the rest of my stay here!


-A.

To treatment again?

I'm faced with a difficult decision once more. Should I enter treatment again? Up until this point I had been going on campus to see a counselor, nutritionist, and nurse. However, due to my extreme relapse I find myself back where I was about a year ago. Needing treatment but not willing to admit that I needed treatment. I'm not ready to try this again. It's something I desperately need to do though. My lab results keep coming back with dismal numbers, and my heart is starting to fail. My kidneys and liver are shot and you think this'd be enough to get me to seek treatment, but my new job is so triggering. I exercise all day, and then go back for more, it's horrible. However, I cannot get away from it. I love being in a pool all day and to seek treatment would mean not going everyday. I don't think I can handle that.

Treatment is over!

      I know it has been an overwhelmingly long time since I last posted, so I'll give you a recap.
I finally graduated from my program! Hurray! Well, sort of. I look back and I want to cry. For those who know me, this is not a common problem. I don't cry. I have this idea that if I control what I eat, I'll never be hurt again.
      Oh the lies we tell ourselves in the eating disorder world, that somehow makes it alright.Only it's not. I'm so terrified of the weight gain and what effect that will have on my mood from here on out. I've been out for 2 days and am already restricting again. What am I supposed to do?! My meal plan? MUST BE EXACTLY AS IT READS. There's a problem with that too. It was supposed to increase, I can't handle an increase right now. My body wants it, and I hate it for that. I will sit there before meals feeling so so so hungry and then after, with my empty plate, feeling so disgusting. I'M SO HUGE RIGHT NOW, WHY IN THE WORLD DO I NEED MORE FOOD?!?!? I don't understand.
      Completely leaving out the fact that it's medically necessary is a problem. Not only that, I've been exercising a lot more than needed. I'm supposed to be at 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week until I can better control myself. PSYCH! Here I am doing an hour and a half a day, maybe more. The conditions of my discharge were that I try to keep it under control unless I want to be admitted again. The statistics are worse for people who get out of treatment and it's not under control. That's what the doctor told me, in fact, upon my departure. If I don't get it under control, I could die from this disease.
      Die....wow....that's a lot more intense than my original intentions starting out. What was my plan, you may ask? To lose fat, gain muscle, be healthy, energetic, and thin. Looking back on my goals, I scoff. I couldn't be further away from them. I may have lost fat, but in the process I lost muscle as well. I'm not healthy, I'm on a better path, but I'm not there yet. I'm sick.
      Another thing that has been bothering me, people talking at the gym. I understand what it feels like to hate your body, please don't make it someone else's concern. For instance, I went to the gym a few days ago (naughty me, I know) and a lady was weighing herself on the scales. She hopped off proclaiming that she would not eat at her friend's house for dinner that evening. Her friend started to protest saying she'd feel worse, she's so skinny already blah blah blah. Silly friend, that's just fueling her negative body image. She might not admit it, but she felt some pride even if she didn't believe you. I marched on over there and said eating disorders are a serious issue and if she ever needed help, it is within reach.
      They probably thought I was just another crazy, there are many out here, but I mean it. Does that mean every person has an eating disorder? No, I just wanted her to stop triggering me to lose more weight. I think it's unfair that everyone else gets to be thin but I don't. Then again, everyone's equal when they're dead, that's not somewhere I want to be!
     

Treatment so far....

Well friends, I began treatment. It has been a whirlwind of ups and downs, let me tell you! I first had to battle out with my insurance which was previously covered by the government. Due to all the commotion surrounding that at the moment, my benefits were denied. That being said, I worked out an alternative so that I could actually go through with treatment, much to my disappointment.

Don't get me wrong, I need this, but at the same time I'm regretting my decision. I'm not ready for treatment as my previous posting suggests. I could not be anymore painfully aware of that than when my dad came home while I was trying to eat dinner last night. While I was struggling to choke it down, he told me I obviously was being dramatic about it.

This goes against everything we've covered so far in therapy. Food is nourishment for your body so it can continue functioning. I figured it was functioning just fine when it wasn't, however that became glaringly obvious that was not the case when I noticed how little energy I had to complete simple swim practices. Something needed to change but my irrational thinking is that I'm slower because I have more fat. This is just terribly confusing because I keep on getting told different things everywhere and who should I listen to? The person who has been dictating my life, the people trying to help me in the hospital, or the voice in my head that has been present for over a year and seems to make sense?

Sorry all for that confusing post. I just needed to get it out somewhere.....

I want to be normal?

I was coaching my dad in the art of swimming techniques. It made me think. What am I doing right now?

Going nowhere it feels like.

I'm not sure how to combat this, but I will try. I got a call from the ED treatment, I start on Tuesday. There is no backing out, as much as I love/hate my issues, I wonder what it's like to be normal. To go a whole day without thinking about my problem spots and how much I need to lose. How many calories are in EVERY bite of food I consume. The numbers swirl through my head in a never ending cycle. I am so ready for that to at least be more calm.

I have prayed long and hard about this. I finally found peace in my heart. While my brain sometimes works against me, at least I know that God's plan for me is much better than this pseudo-reality I've created for myself. This isn't living, this isn't what God intended for me. It's time for me to let go, I know this to be true. I'm not meant to suffer needlessly. Hopefully, however, I can be a lesson. Or help out others who find themselves in my position. I know how dark it can be, and any ray of light no matter how dim it may be, helps.

I'm feeling a little bit more hopeful than dreading the coming days. It might get ugly, and I implore whoever reads this, to say a little prayer for me. I'll be saying plenty of my own, but any help is greatly appreciated.

-A.

Reaching Out

"Would you like anything to drink?"

--

Our sessions always start the same way. She should know by now that I never accept. However, it is nice hospitality to offer. We then got into the routine of her asking how my week went. Honestly, it was exhausting. Thanks to Apple's release, I got more work than I bargained for. People are very serious about their technology. I almost got in between one of their fights over placement in line!

I gave her my usual non-committal answers just passing time until we got into the gritty stuff. Over the course of our session I did a lot of searching. 

I found that I am scared to even talk about my problems with anyone. I'm afraid that something is horribly wrong with me, and by digging deeper, I might not like what I find. My other barrier to digging deeper was I still have the Marine mentality. DISCLAIMER: I AM MAKING NO ENDORSEMENTS FOR OR AGAINST THE MARINE CORPS, THIS WAS SIMPLY MY EXPERIENCE. I LOVED THE CORPS.

The problem with this is that it's not common to ask for help in the Corps. You were made into a weak body, a failure so to speak. To even admit that you have feelings of any sort, is highly discouraged. Thus, the decisions I've made up to this point have still been in that mind set. What I'm feeling doesn't matter, I can carry on the way I have been. 

Reality of the situation is, I can't. 

Let me enlighten you, or at least try. I got counseling while I was serving due to my weight. Essentially I was told I don't look good in uniform. Generally if you tell a female this, they're bound to get a little upset. I just wanted to fix the problem but in turn created a far greater problem. What started as a bid to get rid of a few harmless pounds turned into an obsession. While I am a very intelligent person, my rational side doesn't always rule my brain as it should. 

I stood over the toilet, heart racing, straining to hear the occupant in the stall beside me. Scared of being caught I turned around so my boots were in the right direction. This carried on for months at a time. Fooling everyone on the installation. Or so I thought. I would go to the chow hall with my brothers and sisters in arms. We would eat, or I would pretend to eat. One day, my roommate noticed what I was doing and urged me to go to medical. I loathe medical, always have, always will. Aside from waiting what seemed like forever, I don't like admitting that I'm struggling. I'm very stubborn and prefer to string out things as long as I possibly can. Do not try this at home, folks. 

I eventually broke down and went to mental health, blah blah blah, I'm a civilian again. I hate it.

Before you all take offense, let me explain. I have always craved the structure of the military. I had similar instances in my youth where structure plays a big part. (As is common in eating disorders which are often strictly regimented) It does not make sense to me how I started purging. However, I did, and it has been downhill since. I strongly dislike purging so I like to restrict much more. Yes, this often leaves me grumpy and tired, but anything is better than getting called out for being fat. You may ask why I still do this months after my discharge from the military, some days so do I. Those are my good days, the ones I actually do want to "get better." Majority of my days are not like that.

The other day I got a comment from one of my co-workers. I believe they meant it to be in a joking matter but it still crushed my fragile self-esteem. It went along the lines of, you need to be careful or you're going to get fat! I'm not sure what possessed him to say it and will not make excuses for him. Eating disorders are tricky, just as I was beginning to (attempt to) push away from it, it reminds me why I need it. Without it, I am nothing-just another fat person in the US. Calories and restricting rule my world. There is never a moment where I don't think about them. This is my identity, and I will do anything in attempt to please that dark voice in my head. That ever persisting voice that haunts my waking and resting hours. 

Anyways, my therapist (the one I see primarily for ED's) recommended I get evaluated at an eating disorders clinic. This was also at the urging of my aforementioned therapist whom I see for "everything else." My honest reply? I don't want to. You can try to scare me however you wish, doesn't matter to me. The daredevil in me says that I'll just face it again when (if) that time comes.

If you were to see me on the street one day, assuming I wasn't compulsively trying to run the fat off, you'd think I was just another average 20 year old female. I don't look like I have an eating disorder which validates my point that I don't have an eating disorder. I did go to a medical doctor as part of a physical, and if anything, that made it worse. 

It wasn't due to lack of nutrition. They took my height and my weight, embarrassed by the numbers I was quiet most of the visit. My EKG ran clean, but I was very dehydrated and my electrolytes were becoming imbalanced. This didn't scare me though, I can always drink more water/sports drinks. In my medical charts, it states that I currently see a mental health provider due to PTSD, depression, etc. It also says that I may be suffering from anorexia nervosa, the Doc took notice of that and looked me up and down. She proceeded to tell me that I looked fine and probably didn't have any problem with eating. It was mortifying. So I was forced to conclude that I am overweight (amazing how the brain works, huh?) and need to take action. This is my motivation to lose weight. I need to lose weight, by any means possible. That number reflects how I value everything, if it's not low enough, I fail that day. I get a chance the next day, but it ALWAYS must be better.

That's all for now, I'm going to go get off my lazy butt and go for a run....or to the pool....probably both.