I know it has been an overwhelmingly long time since I last posted, so I'll give you a recap.
I finally graduated from my program! Hurray! Well, sort of. I look back and I want to cry. For those who know me, this is not a common problem. I don't cry. I have this idea that if I control what I eat, I'll never be hurt again.
Oh the lies we tell ourselves in the eating disorder world, that somehow makes it alright.Only it's not. I'm so terrified of the weight gain and what effect that will have on my mood from here on out. I've been out for 2 days and am already restricting again. What am I supposed to do?! My meal plan? MUST BE EXACTLY AS IT READS. There's a problem with that too. It was supposed to increase, I can't handle an increase right now. My body wants it, and I hate it for that. I will sit there before meals feeling so so so hungry and then after, with my empty plate, feeling so disgusting. I'M SO HUGE RIGHT NOW, WHY IN THE WORLD DO I NEED MORE FOOD?!?!? I don't understand.
Completely leaving out the fact that it's medically necessary is a problem. Not only that, I've been exercising a lot more than needed. I'm supposed to be at 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week until I can better control myself. PSYCH! Here I am doing an hour and a half a day, maybe more. The conditions of my discharge were that I try to keep it under control unless I want to be admitted again. The statistics are worse for people who get out of treatment and it's not under control. That's what the doctor told me, in fact, upon my departure. If I don't get it under control, I could die from this disease.
Die....wow....that's a lot more intense than my original intentions starting out. What was my plan, you may ask? To lose fat, gain muscle, be healthy, energetic, and thin. Looking back on my goals, I scoff. I couldn't be further away from them. I may have lost fat, but in the process I lost muscle as well. I'm not healthy, I'm on a better path, but I'm not there yet. I'm sick.
Another thing that has been bothering me, people talking at the gym. I understand what it feels like to hate your body, please don't make it someone else's concern. For instance, I went to the gym a few days ago (naughty me, I know) and a lady was weighing herself on the scales. She hopped off proclaiming that she would not eat at her friend's house for dinner that evening. Her friend started to protest saying she'd feel worse, she's so skinny already blah blah blah. Silly friend, that's just fueling her negative body image. She might not admit it, but she felt some pride even if she didn't believe you. I marched on over there and said eating disorders are a serious issue and if she ever needed help, it is within reach.
They probably thought I was just another crazy, there are many out here, but I mean it. Does that mean every person has an eating disorder? No, I just wanted her to stop triggering me to lose more weight. I think it's unfair that everyone else gets to be thin but I don't. Then again, everyone's equal when they're dead, that's not somewhere I want to be!
