Reconnecting with who I really am

Hello friends! Well, nobody actually reads this, but that's okay!

Anyways, I last posted in March, and since then I had my tonsils removed, and probably the scariest presentation of my eating disorder to date. It was not great. I went back to a PHP program near home, struggled there, and stepped up to residential. Where ambivalence (my word of the year) seemed to only get worse. Did it matter that I had been regularly going to the ER? Did it matter I had to be hospitalized? Nope. It was just second nature at that point in time, in order to keep away the trauma of my past, I had to numb out via restriction of food and overexercise. Is this really the most effective coping skills? Again, nope. However it was very adaptive. Between that time I came back home and somewhere in the transition from Rainrock and PHP, I started to find myself again. Little by little I found that I don't NEED the eating disorder to survive anymore. True, it has its uses, but I'm working towards a place it doesn't dictate what I can or cannot do.

I started to laugh again, actually laugh, and smile. And dance. And pull pranks. All because my head was so much clearer, and I overcame. I stay in contact with people and try my hardest to not back out on commitments, this is a big deal for me because I was quite unreliable in the depths of my disorder.

Today I find myself struggling again with anger and apathy. I am angry because things weren't granted exercise wise and because I'm not in that place I was in March/April that I should be given those privileges. How sad is it that my brain automatically goes to the thought "I'm good and should get this because I am not going to the hospital every few days! See? Everything is fine, I'm fine." Just because I am not currently going to the ER every week doesn't necessarily mean everything is fine and peachy health wise. It takes a lot longer to heal from years of illness. I am trying to remember that even though it feels very unfair right now.

I'm struggling with having come this far only to freak out and go back. I am using some behaviors but not all, I am reminded again of group today. "You know that path and where it takes you, you've been down it before, it is boring. Honestly, Anni, who knows if you would even survive it this time?"
This hit me like a slap in the face, because my eating disorder has always been so adept at pointing out I wasn't having severe physical complications as a result of my behaviors. Well, it doesn't happen until it does. It hits hard, an ever present reminder of how you messed up your body will linger. I am grateful for these reality checks along the way, not everything is black and white as my eating disorder would have me believe.

I'm trying to regain some traction in this final push towards being whole, the journey has been hard and long but I hope I can reach out for help, it's easier when there are people around who care.

Anni

Reflections on the last year

       First off, when I started this blog I only seem to return to it when I'm struggling. And I post far fewer times than that. I suppose in a way it preserves my memories that I haven't deleted yet. In most other places I have long since destroyed any piece of my past (pictures, letters, etc) I don't hold onto things. I'm wondering now, if I should even keep this here or let it go. I'm plenty good at letting all the wrong things go it seems. We'll call this my pensive in a manner of speaking. Huge Harry Potter nerd over here, but you wouldn't know that because, well, I only talk about my illness here it seems.

interlude to social media post

      As Eating Disorder Awareness Week continues I have noticed (as is common with every year) the ever present "before and after" shots popping up. To the casual (read: non-eating disordered) observer it can seem harmless, though additional attention may be paid to the "before" picture. To someone with an eating disorder, however, it can spark competition. Let's all be honest with ourselves, these images are not spreading awareness but continuing the stigma that someone with an eating disorder has to be thin. Eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses that present physical conditions as a result of behaviors associated with the illness. This continuation of circulating "sick" pictures around perpetuates the glamorization of eating disorders, which as is not made apparent by mainstream media can happen at any weight. 

      I struggle with watching this happen year after year and desperately wanting to say something, but not knowing how to get my message across gracefully. I, myself, have been wondering if I was going to just let it pass without saying anything. Apparently not.

     I find myself reflecting on the past year frequently. Last year was my first time "out" about my own eating disorder. I was in a solid place and feeling like nothing was going to get between me and my recovery. It's true that a lot of good has come out of the last year, but am I where I thought I would be? No. Relapse is miserable, completely and totally. I was on a roll and I have made it now 2 years (!!!) without some behaviors. I'm now trying to find that confidence I had last year to finally be well and whole again. I know I can do it because I've done it before, and it brought so many blessings. I am disheartened to admit that I did backslide after it seeming like I had it. I was doing it (life, love, recovery), and it slipped, but it is recoverable. I hold hope that this can be different.

       Anyways, rant (ramble?) over. Enjoy your day.