Keep Pushing!

      The struggle continues. However, it is different than it was before, and for this I am grateful. My struggle these days is continuing to make the recovery choices, and reminding myself that I don't want to go back to my eating disorder. I remind myself that I like school and having intellectual conversations with people. I had a break through just this past week and realized I was having some deep and thoughtful conversations again. I was actually able to delve into the stickier topics such as politics and recidivism for those who are incarcerated. I got to input my own opinion on the matters and follow the conversation. I cannot even remember the last time this occurred where I was fully present and not thinking about food, exercise, depression, or anxiety. It is truly amazing what recovery can bring. So I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I want to go to the gym even though it has not been cleared yet by my medical team. Or any time I want to skip a meal or snack. Or any time I think the grass is greener on the other side as I look at friends' social media and see that they are still struggling. I am not sure why this makes it so compelling every time someone I know goes back to treatment. It is boring and it just plain hurts to go through, so why is the eating disorder so competitive?       I lived that life already, for many long years I suffered through treatment stay after treatment stay. The one that made a lasting impact, I miss from time to time. However, I get to live my life now, some days my body will freak out and I will fear going to the hospital again. For the most part though, I know that I am not sabotaging my chances at being healthy. I long for the days where I am well, and whole, and open to life's experiences. I know that continuing on this path that I am on, will get me there. Choosing the self-destruction path only leads to more disappointment and frustration, whereas choosing the path to being myself will lead to balance and fulfillment.