Musings

10.28.18

Perhaps the part I like least about struggling with all of this is my reliability. I used to be rock solid reliable, need something covered? I’m there. Someone didn’t show up for their shift? I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m used to attending every single class and putting in all the effort and then some, in order to be successful. Even volunteer shifts I generally take extra, arrive early, leave after the job is done and if I see something that needs to be completed, I lend a hand. I feel fulfilled when I am giving my best work but also respecting my boundaries. Most of the time it is not at great cost to me, but this year has been difficult because it has been at the expensive of my health sometimes. I feel very ashamed that while I had that period of stability, I’m not at that point right now. It is costing me greatly to sacrifice my wellbeing to volunteer hours, school, and horse time. I was blind to how much I was actually flailing in my life until the conversation I had yesterday with my doctor. I feel like this relapse has not been very long and is not a big deal. I do wonder out of curiosity’s sake what would happen if I were to continue down this relapse state. I internally cringe whenever anything is said about this being serious. Having grown up as a Christian Scientist it can be very complicated to admit that anything is going wrong, mentally or physically. I was always taught that as a child of God that I cannot be sick, it was an incorrect manifestation of the mind and needed to be challenged and replaced. Well, not to knock that, but believing is much more than just saying “I’m not sick, I’m perfect and made in God’s image and likeness,” and praying about it. This is what was conditioned into me and it is a hard foundation to escape from when it is so deeply embedded. It also raises a lot of anxiety to have to turn around and tell the people around me that I’ve actually been struggling for awhile just have been in denial about it. How do I delicately put it to my friends and family, especially those who are less aware of my struggles, that I’m actually not as fine as I was portraying to everyone. Including myself… That I’ve been convincing myself that things are not actually bad and that I’m perfectly fine and can continue on as I had been forever? There’s a lot of shame around owning up to the fact that I wanted to keep the eating disorder out of the next chapter of my life, but it is persistent. This was a physical issue that progressed into a relapse, hope is not lost, I just need more time. All I require from those around me is hope and faith that I can do this, that it’s my last time, and patience because I have in the past, I just need to invest the time and finish this!

Keep Pushing!

      The struggle continues. However, it is different than it was before, and for this I am grateful. My struggle these days is continuing to make the recovery choices, and reminding myself that I don't want to go back to my eating disorder. I remind myself that I like school and having intellectual conversations with people. I had a break through just this past week and realized I was having some deep and thoughtful conversations again. I was actually able to delve into the stickier topics such as politics and recidivism for those who are incarcerated. I got to input my own opinion on the matters and follow the conversation. I cannot even remember the last time this occurred where I was fully present and not thinking about food, exercise, depression, or anxiety. It is truly amazing what recovery can bring. So I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I want to go to the gym even though it has not been cleared yet by my medical team. Or any time I want to skip a meal or snack. Or any time I think the grass is greener on the other side as I look at friends' social media and see that they are still struggling. I am not sure why this makes it so compelling every time someone I know goes back to treatment. It is boring and it just plain hurts to go through, so why is the eating disorder so competitive?       I lived that life already, for many long years I suffered through treatment stay after treatment stay. The one that made a lasting impact, I miss from time to time. However, I get to live my life now, some days my body will freak out and I will fear going to the hospital again. For the most part though, I know that I am not sabotaging my chances at being healthy. I long for the days where I am well, and whole, and open to life's experiences. I know that continuing on this path that I am on, will get me there. Choosing the self-destruction path only leads to more disappointment and frustration, whereas choosing the path to being myself will lead to balance and fulfillment.

I'm not broken!

Today, I had a unique opportunity that doesn't come around very often. We had just completed our weekly reading for class which included a Ted Talk I know quite well by now. It's about the power of vulnerability by Brené Brown. Over the course of the last few years I have had the opportunity to hear and analyze the talk countless times, thanks to therapy and also being a Psychology major. I also have the fortune of having a psychologist as my mom, so now Brené Brown books can be found on the bookshelf. 😉 For my classmates, however, this was a new experience. During our mentor session we were encouraged to share a little bit about ourselves, and it went way deeper than our mentor anticipated. I felt compelled to tell some of my truth, and it has been great to not feel like I am hiding. Many people asked why I am taking a freshman class, or why I'm so old and still in a freshman class (easy now, I'm only 24!) Usually when asked, I say because I went into the military and then leave them to draw their own conclusions. The reality is, comparisons have been an ugly beast on my journey. I find shame in the fact that I'm still in school and it has been years since most of my original class has graduated, some even with their master's. I feel dumb because I took a different path, and it led me through some of the toughest obstacles I have ever experienced. I admitted this is the first term I am taking 8 credits and actually made it to the 4th week (and plan to finish) without having to withdraw, I haven't done this since before the military. The differences between now and then are amazing to me. I talk to people, heck, sometimes in class, I'm the first one to speak! I'm not broken anymore, maybe I never really was. My dear dad, the engineer that he is, was always rigging something up while I was growing up. We even fixed our futon with school glue one time. The point being that while sometimes it was not pretty, it was functional. I like to think that as a person, I'd prefer it be functional rather than it has to be perfect. I spent the greater part of the last 4 years rebuilding my life and repairing myself, and I am proud that these days, I'm a pretty functional human.