Getting sick

I think getting sick and still trying recovery has got to be the hardest thing ever. When you think about it, what do you do when you're sick? Sleep, usually. Does that include eating? Not often. I was recently put on an antibiotic and didn't eat. This has caused quite the rift between my dietician and I. It has been frustrating on all accounts but honestly, I didn't expect to relapse this far. After journeying through some old forums I realized I have to stop. This isn't good, I shouldn't be reading about how to lose weight safely, because it won't be safe. I should be focusing on the class that I'm currently taking, not some forum full of sick people giving me advice. I can't seem to help it though. I haven't been to work in over a week because this illness has put me on my butt and I can't seem to pull it together enough to actually get to my job and focus.

At what point will it be too far? I keep weighing myself and while the number goes down, it will never be enough. I hit that point where the hunger doesn't really hurt as much, which should be scary but instead my brain just says that because I'm not working out that I don't need as much anyways, Overall it is very frustrating and in my healthy mind this would be downright scary to think that it goes this fast. Yet, I'm still doing it.

Another point is that I haven't been able to ride because I get too dizzy. I was going to but a lot of people have been looking out for me and discouraging me to ride. This above all may provide the motivation to dig myself out. Riding is about the only thing I had going for me and if I can't ride, what am I supposed to do to keep the bad thoughts away? It is my healthy release and I need to get back to it.

Anyways, you're welcome for the fever-induced nonsense I just typed out.

-A.

Here's to another year?

Yesterday was my birthday and while I suffer from social anxiety things, it was nice. I can't remember the first time I actually felt like I wanted to be noticed. So yesterday was interesting in that regard. I frequently get stuck in this "notice me but don't look at me" cycle. Anyways, I went to work and that was funny because I got some of my kids (in lessons) to do some cool things. I told them that it was my birthday and to do some good listening and for the most part they did! I also got a hug from the most adorable little swimmer ever!

After work a few coworkers invited me out (which I never usually accept) and I went. It was surprisingly nice even if we had food. Going out=food=eventual behaviors=really bad night. But it was okay and really nice of her to get it together. I even found enjoyment out of talking with people. Since the start of this relapse I have had a very limited social life, so it was nice to actually mingle with people.

Another note on recovery. This just rubs me the wrong way, there is always so much support when someone is stepping up to residential, PHP, or even IOP. What about those of us who are struggling but not needing a higher level of care? Everyone wants to support you when you are struggling the most but what if it is old news? I feel like I am having way too hard of a time but everyone around me assumes because I'm not going to the hospital or anything that I should be over it by now. Some of this is projection but at the same time, when is enough, enough?

At least riding has been helpful, for a few hours, everything seems to just melt away. It is a much welcomed and newly found reprieve from my normal. That guy is helping me a lot!

Anyways, this is a mixed post but it is me. 

I wish I had some readers but this is okay.

-A.

Deja vu *****trigger warning*****

I don't know if this is rock bottom or not. But it is hard.

*****TRIGGER WARNING******

I am so disappointed in myself. I was in recovery for a solid few months. Then all of a sudden, more struggles. I see my doctor once a week and she has told me if I meet criteria again, I won't just get an Ensure and be on my way, I either go where she wants me to (the hospital) or I stop seeing her. It is so incredibly difficult to go through this again. I don't feel sick, but my body tells a different story. I don't feel like I'm declining, but my actions say differently. Why is this such a big part of my identity? How do I overcome this? Why did I get so close only to fall away again?

My doctor is holding work over my head (I did get the swim job, it's great). If I don't eat, I don't work. Which sounds reasonable to me but unfair to my eating disorder. I just wish I didn't have to choose, but I do. It could be life or death as it has been before in my life. When you get so stuck it really seems like nothing else matters, even though it should. To really give up my job would be devastating, working in the pool isn't ideal, but working with those kids, it brings me to life. I only feel like I am worthwhile there, but to what point? It also fuels my eating disorder, I can be really active and still be with kids. A win-win. On the days I lack energy because I have been restricting, I figure I just need to try harder to be peppy. I feel torn between what is right (recovery) and what feels better because I have less PTSD symptoms (my eating disorder. I am so ashamed to have fallen again. On the plus side, I am over a year purge free!