Out of Treatment Again

It happened. I returned to my home state and promptly fell on my face. However even more discouraging, I didn't even try to fight it this time. I finally called it quits on Wednesday and decided to take a treatment break because the PTSD was too bad to continue any other work. I'm doing EMDR on an outpatient basis once a week and otherwise just engaging in behaviors all day long. Aside from work of course, if you can count the fact that I am a swim instructor and move around all day long. I'll post more on this later because I have to run right now. Just a quick update.
-A.

From where I sit

Hello there, friends!
I write this from treatment once again. I cannot fully express all of my feelings about this and I don't fully expect to try at this time. I've now been in treatment for my eating disorder for 7 weeks this round. I tried a PHP but found myself needing more care than that. I opted to go to a facility in California this time because all of my options in my home state had already been exhausted. I now write from the art room of this residential facility, and to say I've liked it is quite a far fetched idea. It is necessary, yes. Enjoyable? Not so much. I'm glad I'm getting the containment I need for the PTSD as well as the eating disorder but right now I'd do anything to go on a run. I guess that's just something else I need to be working on during my stay. I probably have only a few more weeks left here, and I'm both thankful and terrified of the looming return to my home state and the PHP program there. I also have these waves of feeling like I'm super motivated to return home and not fall flat on my face, but my track record says otherwise. On an unrelated note, I have strep again which is just peachy. Wish me luck for the rest of my stay here!


-A.

To treatment again?

I'm faced with a difficult decision once more. Should I enter treatment again? Up until this point I had been going on campus to see a counselor, nutritionist, and nurse. However, due to my extreme relapse I find myself back where I was about a year ago. Needing treatment but not willing to admit that I needed treatment. I'm not ready to try this again. It's something I desperately need to do though. My lab results keep coming back with dismal numbers, and my heart is starting to fail. My kidneys and liver are shot and you think this'd be enough to get me to seek treatment, but my new job is so triggering. I exercise all day, and then go back for more, it's horrible. However, I cannot get away from it. I love being in a pool all day and to seek treatment would mean not going everyday. I don't think I can handle that.