I don't know if this is rock bottom or not. But it is hard.
*****TRIGGER WARNING******
I am so disappointed in myself. I was in recovery for a solid few months. Then all of a sudden, more struggles. I see my doctor once a week and she has told me if I meet criteria again, I won't just get an Ensure and be on my way, I either go where she wants me to (the hospital) or I stop seeing her. It is so incredibly difficult to go through this again. I don't feel sick, but my body tells a different story. I don't feel like I'm declining, but my actions say differently. Why is this such a big part of my identity? How do I overcome this? Why did I get so close only to fall away again?
My doctor is holding work over my head (I did get the swim job, it's great). If I don't eat, I don't work. Which sounds reasonable to me but unfair to my eating disorder. I just wish I didn't have to choose, but I do. It could be life or death as it has been before in my life. When you get so stuck it really seems like nothing else matters, even though it should. To really give up my job would be devastating, working in the pool isn't ideal, but working with those kids, it brings me to life. I only feel like I am worthwhile there, but to what point? It also fuels my eating disorder, I can be really active and still be with kids. A win-win. On the days I lack energy because I have been restricting, I figure I just need to try harder to be peppy. I feel torn between what is right (recovery) and what feels better because I have less PTSD symptoms (my eating disorder. I am so ashamed to have fallen again. On the plus side, I am over a year purge free!
