Well normally I'm not one to write about this and put it out there, but here goes! I'm sitting in the worst weather possible thinking about life. I'm on pass from a residential facility, letting go of my eating disorder has been the hardest thing possible. I really do think that it is beneficial and at the same time I can see what I have lost.
For starters, most of 2015 is gone, here we are in December and I have spent most of the year in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I'm still alive (most days), it's just the small things. I missed my last chance to march my age out for drum corps.
I have actively been trying to do drum corps since getting back from the military. Injury and primarily mental illness have prevented me from being able to be away from my treatment team for any length of time. It is very discouraging to watch your friends continue on and march when that is something you desperately want to do. Anyways, my last post is from February, call me crazy (because the idea was) but I wanted so badly to get in and out and stable so I could march my last year of drum corps. Well, you know what? May came and I had to stay longer, and for good reason. If I'm not medically stable, I am probably not mentally or emotionally stable either. There is no room for that in drum corps, I'm aware that staying in treatment was a good idea but it was a really hard decision to make. I got out, went home right in the middle of the season, thought about filling a hole but my recovery was so fragile at that point. So I didn't and I relapsed anyways and went back to the same place shortly after.
I'm on a pass now and hopefully getting my stuff together. Do I want recovery? Some days. It's the hard days that I try to remind myself, I don't want life in an eating disorder. I tried that, look where it got me. It is absolutely miserable. Yet, it is so strong too, that it convinces me things will be different this time. I try so hard not to hear it but I can't.
On a different (or maybe related) note, I am going to a job interview tomorrow for a swim school. I am super excited but also worried it might trigger another return of my eating disorder. I really want to do my best with recovery but taking that kind of job is rough, I used it to fuel my exercise obsession in a big way, going at it all day long and not fueling my body was detrimental and as we saw in February led me to residential treatment for my eating disorder, not a happy time. I'll try to do a better job keeping my non-existent followers more up to date.
-A.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
The cycle continues
Hello all!
I'm not great about keeping up to date with all of this. Honestly though, I am really struggling with the beast of PTSD, anxiety, and my eating disorder. Insurance pending I may be heading off to treatment again. I had to quit my job and that was really hard because I loved doing that kind of work. I may have to withdraw from all of my classes.....AGAIN. This is so frustrating but it will be my last time. I hope insurance cooperates because this is my time. I am struggling with the patience to know that whatever happens, will happen. I can only do so much to try to influence that. In effort to calm myself down I decided to listen to some talks. Naturally, Heavenly Father provided me with the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment.
Soon I was listening to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" a talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland from November 1999. Of course, I love all the talks done by Elder Holland, but this one spoke to my soul. I like the visual that God is with me every step of this journey, through all the hardships and triumphs. I will not perish forever. Also of note is the very soothing quote, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." While at this moment it is hard to relive that feeling of comfort, it was awesome to feel at the time. I'm praying that I will find peace with what is to come.
I am actively trying to better myself despite the consequences and demons that are consuming me. I will try to do better with updating this blog too. Maybe even sharing it when the time comes. In the meantime, the wait continues!
-A.
I'm not great about keeping up to date with all of this. Honestly though, I am really struggling with the beast of PTSD, anxiety, and my eating disorder. Insurance pending I may be heading off to treatment again. I had to quit my job and that was really hard because I loved doing that kind of work. I may have to withdraw from all of my classes.....AGAIN. This is so frustrating but it will be my last time. I hope insurance cooperates because this is my time. I am struggling with the patience to know that whatever happens, will happen. I can only do so much to try to influence that. In effort to calm myself down I decided to listen to some talks. Naturally, Heavenly Father provided me with the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment.
Soon I was listening to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" a talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland from November 1999. Of course, I love all the talks done by Elder Holland, but this one spoke to my soul. I like the visual that God is with me every step of this journey, through all the hardships and triumphs. I will not perish forever. Also of note is the very soothing quote, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." While at this moment it is hard to relive that feeling of comfort, it was awesome to feel at the time. I'm praying that I will find peace with what is to come.
I am actively trying to better myself despite the consequences and demons that are consuming me. I will try to do better with updating this blog too. Maybe even sharing it when the time comes. In the meantime, the wait continues!
-A.
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