Reflections on the last year

       First off, when I started this blog I only seem to return to it when I'm struggling. And I post far fewer times than that. I suppose in a way it preserves my memories that I haven't deleted yet. In most other places I have long since destroyed any piece of my past (pictures, letters, etc) I don't hold onto things. I'm wondering now, if I should even keep this here or let it go. I'm plenty good at letting all the wrong things go it seems. We'll call this my pensive in a manner of speaking. Huge Harry Potter nerd over here, but you wouldn't know that because, well, I only talk about my illness here it seems.

interlude to social media post

      As Eating Disorder Awareness Week continues I have noticed (as is common with every year) the ever present "before and after" shots popping up. To the casual (read: non-eating disordered) observer it can seem harmless, though additional attention may be paid to the "before" picture. To someone with an eating disorder, however, it can spark competition. Let's all be honest with ourselves, these images are not spreading awareness but continuing the stigma that someone with an eating disorder has to be thin. Eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses that present physical conditions as a result of behaviors associated with the illness. This continuation of circulating "sick" pictures around perpetuates the glamorization of eating disorders, which as is not made apparent by mainstream media can happen at any weight. 

      I struggle with watching this happen year after year and desperately wanting to say something, but not knowing how to get my message across gracefully. I, myself, have been wondering if I was going to just let it pass without saying anything. Apparently not.

     I find myself reflecting on the past year frequently. Last year was my first time "out" about my own eating disorder. I was in a solid place and feeling like nothing was going to get between me and my recovery. It's true that a lot of good has come out of the last year, but am I where I thought I would be? No. Relapse is miserable, completely and totally. I was on a roll and I have made it now 2 years (!!!) without some behaviors. I'm now trying to find that confidence I had last year to finally be well and whole again. I know I can do it because I've done it before, and it brought so many blessings. I am disheartened to admit that I did backslide after it seeming like I had it. I was doing it (life, love, recovery), and it slipped, but it is recoverable. I hold hope that this can be different.

       Anyways, rant (ramble?) over. Enjoy your day.