Musings

10.28.18

Perhaps the part I like least about struggling with all of this is my reliability. I used to be rock solid reliable, need something covered? I’m there. Someone didn’t show up for their shift? I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m used to attending every single class and putting in all the effort and then some, in order to be successful. Even volunteer shifts I generally take extra, arrive early, leave after the job is done and if I see something that needs to be completed, I lend a hand. I feel fulfilled when I am giving my best work but also respecting my boundaries. Most of the time it is not at great cost to me, but this year has been difficult because it has been at the expensive of my health sometimes. I feel very ashamed that while I had that period of stability, I’m not at that point right now. It is costing me greatly to sacrifice my wellbeing to volunteer hours, school, and horse time. I was blind to how much I was actually flailing in my life until the conversation I had yesterday with my doctor. I feel like this relapse has not been very long and is not a big deal. I do wonder out of curiosity’s sake what would happen if I were to continue down this relapse state. I internally cringe whenever anything is said about this being serious. Having grown up as a Christian Scientist it can be very complicated to admit that anything is going wrong, mentally or physically. I was always taught that as a child of God that I cannot be sick, it was an incorrect manifestation of the mind and needed to be challenged and replaced. Well, not to knock that, but believing is much more than just saying “I’m not sick, I’m perfect and made in God’s image and likeness,” and praying about it. This is what was conditioned into me and it is a hard foundation to escape from when it is so deeply embedded. It also raises a lot of anxiety to have to turn around and tell the people around me that I’ve actually been struggling for awhile just have been in denial about it. How do I delicately put it to my friends and family, especially those who are less aware of my struggles, that I’m actually not as fine as I was portraying to everyone. Including myself… That I’ve been convincing myself that things are not actually bad and that I’m perfectly fine and can continue on as I had been forever? There’s a lot of shame around owning up to the fact that I wanted to keep the eating disorder out of the next chapter of my life, but it is persistent. This was a physical issue that progressed into a relapse, hope is not lost, I just need more time. All I require from those around me is hope and faith that I can do this, that it’s my last time, and patience because I have in the past, I just need to invest the time and finish this!