Well normally I'm not one to write about this and put it out there, but here goes! I'm sitting in the worst weather possible thinking about life. I'm on pass from a residential facility, letting go of my eating disorder has been the hardest thing possible. I really do think that it is beneficial and at the same time I can see what I have lost.
For starters, most of 2015 is gone, here we are in December and I have spent most of the year in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I'm still alive (most days), it's just the small things. I missed my last chance to march my age out for drum corps.
I have actively been trying to do drum corps since getting back from the military. Injury and primarily mental illness have prevented me from being able to be away from my treatment team for any length of time. It is very discouraging to watch your friends continue on and march when that is something you desperately want to do. Anyways, my last post is from February, call me crazy (because the idea was) but I wanted so badly to get in and out and stable so I could march my last year of drum corps. Well, you know what? May came and I had to stay longer, and for good reason. If I'm not medically stable, I am probably not mentally or emotionally stable either. There is no room for that in drum corps, I'm aware that staying in treatment was a good idea but it was a really hard decision to make. I got out, went home right in the middle of the season, thought about filling a hole but my recovery was so fragile at that point. So I didn't and I relapsed anyways and went back to the same place shortly after.
I'm on a pass now and hopefully getting my stuff together. Do I want recovery? Some days. It's the hard days that I try to remind myself, I don't want life in an eating disorder. I tried that, look where it got me. It is absolutely miserable. Yet, it is so strong too, that it convinces me things will be different this time. I try so hard not to hear it but I can't.
On a different (or maybe related) note, I am going to a job interview tomorrow for a swim school. I am super excited but also worried it might trigger another return of my eating disorder. I really want to do my best with recovery but taking that kind of job is rough, I used it to fuel my exercise obsession in a big way, going at it all day long and not fueling my body was detrimental and as we saw in February led me to residential treatment for my eating disorder, not a happy time. I'll try to do a better job keeping my non-existent followers more up to date.
-A.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
The cycle continues
Hello all!
I'm not great about keeping up to date with all of this. Honestly though, I am really struggling with the beast of PTSD, anxiety, and my eating disorder. Insurance pending I may be heading off to treatment again. I had to quit my job and that was really hard because I loved doing that kind of work. I may have to withdraw from all of my classes.....AGAIN. This is so frustrating but it will be my last time. I hope insurance cooperates because this is my time. I am struggling with the patience to know that whatever happens, will happen. I can only do so much to try to influence that. In effort to calm myself down I decided to listen to some talks. Naturally, Heavenly Father provided me with the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment.
Soon I was listening to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" a talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland from November 1999. Of course, I love all the talks done by Elder Holland, but this one spoke to my soul. I like the visual that God is with me every step of this journey, through all the hardships and triumphs. I will not perish forever. Also of note is the very soothing quote, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." While at this moment it is hard to relive that feeling of comfort, it was awesome to feel at the time. I'm praying that I will find peace with what is to come.
I am actively trying to better myself despite the consequences and demons that are consuming me. I will try to do better with updating this blog too. Maybe even sharing it when the time comes. In the meantime, the wait continues!
-A.
I'm not great about keeping up to date with all of this. Honestly though, I am really struggling with the beast of PTSD, anxiety, and my eating disorder. Insurance pending I may be heading off to treatment again. I had to quit my job and that was really hard because I loved doing that kind of work. I may have to withdraw from all of my classes.....AGAIN. This is so frustrating but it will be my last time. I hope insurance cooperates because this is my time. I am struggling with the patience to know that whatever happens, will happen. I can only do so much to try to influence that. In effort to calm myself down I decided to listen to some talks. Naturally, Heavenly Father provided me with the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment.
Soon I was listening to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" a talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland from November 1999. Of course, I love all the talks done by Elder Holland, but this one spoke to my soul. I like the visual that God is with me every step of this journey, through all the hardships and triumphs. I will not perish forever. Also of note is the very soothing quote, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." While at this moment it is hard to relive that feeling of comfort, it was awesome to feel at the time. I'm praying that I will find peace with what is to come.
I am actively trying to better myself despite the consequences and demons that are consuming me. I will try to do better with updating this blog too. Maybe even sharing it when the time comes. In the meantime, the wait continues!
-A.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Out of Treatment Again
It happened. I returned to my home state and promptly fell on my face. However even more discouraging, I didn't even try to fight it this time. I finally called it quits on Wednesday and decided to take a treatment break because the PTSD was too bad to continue any other work. I'm doing EMDR on an outpatient basis once a week and otherwise just engaging in behaviors all day long. Aside from work of course, if you can count the fact that I am a swim instructor and move around all day long. I'll post more on this later because I have to run right now. Just a quick update.
-A.
-A.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
From where I sit
Hello there, friends!
I write this from treatment once again. I cannot fully express all of my feelings about this and I don't fully expect to try at this time. I've now been in treatment for my eating disorder for 7 weeks this round. I tried a PHP but found myself needing more care than that. I opted to go to a facility in California this time because all of my options in my home state had already been exhausted. I now write from the art room of this residential facility, and to say I've liked it is quite a far fetched idea. It is necessary, yes. Enjoyable? Not so much. I'm glad I'm getting the containment I need for the PTSD as well as the eating disorder but right now I'd do anything to go on a run. I guess that's just something else I need to be working on during my stay. I probably have only a few more weeks left here, and I'm both thankful and terrified of the looming return to my home state and the PHP program there. I also have these waves of feeling like I'm super motivated to return home and not fall flat on my face, but my track record says otherwise. On an unrelated note, I have strep again which is just peachy. Wish me luck for the rest of my stay here!
-A.
I write this from treatment once again. I cannot fully express all of my feelings about this and I don't fully expect to try at this time. I've now been in treatment for my eating disorder for 7 weeks this round. I tried a PHP but found myself needing more care than that. I opted to go to a facility in California this time because all of my options in my home state had already been exhausted. I now write from the art room of this residential facility, and to say I've liked it is quite a far fetched idea. It is necessary, yes. Enjoyable? Not so much. I'm glad I'm getting the containment I need for the PTSD as well as the eating disorder but right now I'd do anything to go on a run. I guess that's just something else I need to be working on during my stay. I probably have only a few more weeks left here, and I'm both thankful and terrified of the looming return to my home state and the PHP program there. I also have these waves of feeling like I'm super motivated to return home and not fall flat on my face, but my track record says otherwise. On an unrelated note, I have strep again which is just peachy. Wish me luck for the rest of my stay here!
-A.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
To treatment again?
I'm faced with a difficult decision once more. Should I enter treatment again? Up until this point I had been going on campus to see a counselor, nutritionist, and nurse. However, due to my extreme relapse I find myself back where I was about a year ago. Needing treatment but not willing to admit that I needed treatment. I'm not ready to try this again. It's something I desperately need to do though. My lab results keep coming back with dismal numbers, and my heart is starting to fail. My kidneys and liver are shot and you think this'd be enough to get me to seek treatment, but my new job is so triggering. I exercise all day, and then go back for more, it's horrible. However, I cannot get away from it. I love being in a pool all day and to seek treatment would mean not going everyday. I don't think I can handle that.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Treatment is over!
I know it has been an overwhelmingly long time since I last posted, so I'll give you a recap.
I finally graduated from my program! Hurray! Well, sort of. I look back and I want to cry. For those who know me, this is not a common problem. I don't cry. I have this idea that if I control what I eat, I'll never be hurt again.
Oh the lies we tell ourselves in the eating disorder world, that somehow makes it alright.Only it's not. I'm so terrified of the weight gain and what effect that will have on my mood from here on out. I've been out for 2 days and am already restricting again. What am I supposed to do?! My meal plan? MUST BE EXACTLY AS IT READS. There's a problem with that too. It was supposed to increase, I can't handle an increase right now. My body wants it, and I hate it for that. I will sit there before meals feeling so so so hungry and then after, with my empty plate, feeling so disgusting. I'M SO HUGE RIGHT NOW, WHY IN THE WORLD DO I NEED MORE FOOD?!?!? I don't understand.
Completely leaving out the fact that it's medically necessary is a problem. Not only that, I've been exercising a lot more than needed. I'm supposed to be at 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week until I can better control myself. PSYCH! Here I am doing an hour and a half a day, maybe more. The conditions of my discharge were that I try to keep it under control unless I want to be admitted again. The statistics are worse for people who get out of treatment and it's not under control. That's what the doctor told me, in fact, upon my departure. If I don't get it under control, I could die from this disease.
Die....wow....that's a lot more intense than my original intentions starting out. What was my plan, you may ask? To lose fat, gain muscle, be healthy, energetic, and thin. Looking back on my goals, I scoff. I couldn't be further away from them. I may have lost fat, but in the process I lost muscle as well. I'm not healthy, I'm on a better path, but I'm not there yet. I'm sick.
Another thing that has been bothering me, people talking at the gym. I understand what it feels like to hate your body, please don't make it someone else's concern. For instance, I went to the gym a few days ago (naughty me, I know) and a lady was weighing herself on the scales. She hopped off proclaiming that she would not eat at her friend's house for dinner that evening. Her friend started to protest saying she'd feel worse, she's so skinny already blah blah blah. Silly friend, that's just fueling her negative body image. She might not admit it, but she felt some pride even if she didn't believe you. I marched on over there and said eating disorders are a serious issue and if she ever needed help, it is within reach.
They probably thought I was just another crazy, there are many out here, but I mean it. Does that mean every person has an eating disorder? No, I just wanted her to stop triggering me to lose more weight. I think it's unfair that everyone else gets to be thin but I don't. Then again, everyone's equal when they're dead, that's not somewhere I want to be!
I finally graduated from my program! Hurray! Well, sort of. I look back and I want to cry. For those who know me, this is not a common problem. I don't cry. I have this idea that if I control what I eat, I'll never be hurt again.
Oh the lies we tell ourselves in the eating disorder world, that somehow makes it alright.Only it's not. I'm so terrified of the weight gain and what effect that will have on my mood from here on out. I've been out for 2 days and am already restricting again. What am I supposed to do?! My meal plan? MUST BE EXACTLY AS IT READS. There's a problem with that too. It was supposed to increase, I can't handle an increase right now. My body wants it, and I hate it for that. I will sit there before meals feeling so so so hungry and then after, with my empty plate, feeling so disgusting. I'M SO HUGE RIGHT NOW, WHY IN THE WORLD DO I NEED MORE FOOD?!?!? I don't understand.
Completely leaving out the fact that it's medically necessary is a problem. Not only that, I've been exercising a lot more than needed. I'm supposed to be at 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week until I can better control myself. PSYCH! Here I am doing an hour and a half a day, maybe more. The conditions of my discharge were that I try to keep it under control unless I want to be admitted again. The statistics are worse for people who get out of treatment and it's not under control. That's what the doctor told me, in fact, upon my departure. If I don't get it under control, I could die from this disease.
Die....wow....that's a lot more intense than my original intentions starting out. What was my plan, you may ask? To lose fat, gain muscle, be healthy, energetic, and thin. Looking back on my goals, I scoff. I couldn't be further away from them. I may have lost fat, but in the process I lost muscle as well. I'm not healthy, I'm on a better path, but I'm not there yet. I'm sick.
Another thing that has been bothering me, people talking at the gym. I understand what it feels like to hate your body, please don't make it someone else's concern. For instance, I went to the gym a few days ago (naughty me, I know) and a lady was weighing herself on the scales. She hopped off proclaiming that she would not eat at her friend's house for dinner that evening. Her friend started to protest saying she'd feel worse, she's so skinny already blah blah blah. Silly friend, that's just fueling her negative body image. She might not admit it, but she felt some pride even if she didn't believe you. I marched on over there and said eating disorders are a serious issue and if she ever needed help, it is within reach.
They probably thought I was just another crazy, there are many out here, but I mean it. Does that mean every person has an eating disorder? No, I just wanted her to stop triggering me to lose more weight. I think it's unfair that everyone else gets to be thin but I don't. Then again, everyone's equal when they're dead, that's not somewhere I want to be!
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