Reconnecting with who I really am

Hello friends! Well, nobody actually reads this, but that's okay!

Anyways, I last posted in March, and since then I had my tonsils removed, and probably the scariest presentation of my eating disorder to date. It was not great. I went back to a PHP program near home, struggled there, and stepped up to residential. Where ambivalence (my word of the year) seemed to only get worse. Did it matter that I had been regularly going to the ER? Did it matter I had to be hospitalized? Nope. It was just second nature at that point in time, in order to keep away the trauma of my past, I had to numb out via restriction of food and overexercise. Is this really the most effective coping skills? Again, nope. However it was very adaptive. Between that time I came back home and somewhere in the transition from Rainrock and PHP, I started to find myself again. Little by little I found that I don't NEED the eating disorder to survive anymore. True, it has its uses, but I'm working towards a place it doesn't dictate what I can or cannot do.

I started to laugh again, actually laugh, and smile. And dance. And pull pranks. All because my head was so much clearer, and I overcame. I stay in contact with people and try my hardest to not back out on commitments, this is a big deal for me because I was quite unreliable in the depths of my disorder.

Today I find myself struggling again with anger and apathy. I am angry because things weren't granted exercise wise and because I'm not in that place I was in March/April that I should be given those privileges. How sad is it that my brain automatically goes to the thought "I'm good and should get this because I am not going to the hospital every few days! See? Everything is fine, I'm fine." Just because I am not currently going to the ER every week doesn't necessarily mean everything is fine and peachy health wise. It takes a lot longer to heal from years of illness. I am trying to remember that even though it feels very unfair right now.

I'm struggling with having come this far only to freak out and go back. I am using some behaviors but not all, I am reminded again of group today. "You know that path and where it takes you, you've been down it before, it is boring. Honestly, Anni, who knows if you would even survive it this time?"
This hit me like a slap in the face, because my eating disorder has always been so adept at pointing out I wasn't having severe physical complications as a result of my behaviors. Well, it doesn't happen until it does. It hits hard, an ever present reminder of how you messed up your body will linger. I am grateful for these reality checks along the way, not everything is black and white as my eating disorder would have me believe.

I'm trying to regain some traction in this final push towards being whole, the journey has been hard and long but I hope I can reach out for help, it's easier when there are people around who care.

Anni

Reflections on the last year

       First off, when I started this blog I only seem to return to it when I'm struggling. And I post far fewer times than that. I suppose in a way it preserves my memories that I haven't deleted yet. In most other places I have long since destroyed any piece of my past (pictures, letters, etc) I don't hold onto things. I'm wondering now, if I should even keep this here or let it go. I'm plenty good at letting all the wrong things go it seems. We'll call this my pensive in a manner of speaking. Huge Harry Potter nerd over here, but you wouldn't know that because, well, I only talk about my illness here it seems.

interlude to social media post

      As Eating Disorder Awareness Week continues I have noticed (as is common with every year) the ever present "before and after" shots popping up. To the casual (read: non-eating disordered) observer it can seem harmless, though additional attention may be paid to the "before" picture. To someone with an eating disorder, however, it can spark competition. Let's all be honest with ourselves, these images are not spreading awareness but continuing the stigma that someone with an eating disorder has to be thin. Eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses that present physical conditions as a result of behaviors associated with the illness. This continuation of circulating "sick" pictures around perpetuates the glamorization of eating disorders, which as is not made apparent by mainstream media can happen at any weight. 

      I struggle with watching this happen year after year and desperately wanting to say something, but not knowing how to get my message across gracefully. I, myself, have been wondering if I was going to just let it pass without saying anything. Apparently not.

     I find myself reflecting on the past year frequently. Last year was my first time "out" about my own eating disorder. I was in a solid place and feeling like nothing was going to get between me and my recovery. It's true that a lot of good has come out of the last year, but am I where I thought I would be? No. Relapse is miserable, completely and totally. I was on a roll and I have made it now 2 years (!!!) without some behaviors. I'm now trying to find that confidence I had last year to finally be well and whole again. I know I can do it because I've done it before, and it brought so many blessings. I am disheartened to admit that I did backslide after it seeming like I had it. I was doing it (life, love, recovery), and it slipped, but it is recoverable. I hold hope that this can be different.

       Anyways, rant (ramble?) over. Enjoy your day. 

Getting sick

I think getting sick and still trying recovery has got to be the hardest thing ever. When you think about it, what do you do when you're sick? Sleep, usually. Does that include eating? Not often. I was recently put on an antibiotic and didn't eat. This has caused quite the rift between my dietician and I. It has been frustrating on all accounts but honestly, I didn't expect to relapse this far. After journeying through some old forums I realized I have to stop. This isn't good, I shouldn't be reading about how to lose weight safely, because it won't be safe. I should be focusing on the class that I'm currently taking, not some forum full of sick people giving me advice. I can't seem to help it though. I haven't been to work in over a week because this illness has put me on my butt and I can't seem to pull it together enough to actually get to my job and focus.

At what point will it be too far? I keep weighing myself and while the number goes down, it will never be enough. I hit that point where the hunger doesn't really hurt as much, which should be scary but instead my brain just says that because I'm not working out that I don't need as much anyways, Overall it is very frustrating and in my healthy mind this would be downright scary to think that it goes this fast. Yet, I'm still doing it.

Another point is that I haven't been able to ride because I get too dizzy. I was going to but a lot of people have been looking out for me and discouraging me to ride. This above all may provide the motivation to dig myself out. Riding is about the only thing I had going for me and if I can't ride, what am I supposed to do to keep the bad thoughts away? It is my healthy release and I need to get back to it.

Anyways, you're welcome for the fever-induced nonsense I just typed out.

-A.

Here's to another year?

Yesterday was my birthday and while I suffer from social anxiety things, it was nice. I can't remember the first time I actually felt like I wanted to be noticed. So yesterday was interesting in that regard. I frequently get stuck in this "notice me but don't look at me" cycle. Anyways, I went to work and that was funny because I got some of my kids (in lessons) to do some cool things. I told them that it was my birthday and to do some good listening and for the most part they did! I also got a hug from the most adorable little swimmer ever!

After work a few coworkers invited me out (which I never usually accept) and I went. It was surprisingly nice even if we had food. Going out=food=eventual behaviors=really bad night. But it was okay and really nice of her to get it together. I even found enjoyment out of talking with people. Since the start of this relapse I have had a very limited social life, so it was nice to actually mingle with people.

Another note on recovery. This just rubs me the wrong way, there is always so much support when someone is stepping up to residential, PHP, or even IOP. What about those of us who are struggling but not needing a higher level of care? Everyone wants to support you when you are struggling the most but what if it is old news? I feel like I am having way too hard of a time but everyone around me assumes because I'm not going to the hospital or anything that I should be over it by now. Some of this is projection but at the same time, when is enough, enough?

At least riding has been helpful, for a few hours, everything seems to just melt away. It is a much welcomed and newly found reprieve from my normal. That guy is helping me a lot!

Anyways, this is a mixed post but it is me. 

I wish I had some readers but this is okay.

-A.

Deja vu *****trigger warning*****

I don't know if this is rock bottom or not. But it is hard.

*****TRIGGER WARNING******

I am so disappointed in myself. I was in recovery for a solid few months. Then all of a sudden, more struggles. I see my doctor once a week and she has told me if I meet criteria again, I won't just get an Ensure and be on my way, I either go where she wants me to (the hospital) or I stop seeing her. It is so incredibly difficult to go through this again. I don't feel sick, but my body tells a different story. I don't feel like I'm declining, but my actions say differently. Why is this such a big part of my identity? How do I overcome this? Why did I get so close only to fall away again?

My doctor is holding work over my head (I did get the swim job, it's great). If I don't eat, I don't work. Which sounds reasonable to me but unfair to my eating disorder. I just wish I didn't have to choose, but I do. It could be life or death as it has been before in my life. When you get so stuck it really seems like nothing else matters, even though it should. To really give up my job would be devastating, working in the pool isn't ideal, but working with those kids, it brings me to life. I only feel like I am worthwhile there, but to what point? It also fuels my eating disorder, I can be really active and still be with kids. A win-win. On the days I lack energy because I have been restricting, I figure I just need to try harder to be peppy. I feel torn between what is right (recovery) and what feels better because I have less PTSD symptoms (my eating disorder. I am so ashamed to have fallen again. On the plus side, I am over a year purge free!

Life Stuff Vent

Well normally I'm not one to write about this and put it out there, but here goes! I'm sitting in the worst weather possible thinking about life. I'm on pass from a residential facility, letting go of my eating disorder has been the hardest thing possible. I really do think that it is beneficial and at the same time I can see what I have lost.
For starters, most of 2015 is gone, here we are in December and I have spent most of the year in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I'm still alive (most days), it's just the small things. I missed my last chance to march my age out for drum corps.
I have actively been trying to do drum corps since getting back from the military. Injury and primarily mental illness have prevented me from being able to be away from my treatment team for any length of time. It is very discouraging to watch your friends continue on and march when that is something you desperately want to do. Anyways, my last post is from February, call me crazy (because the idea was) but I wanted so badly to get in and out and stable so I could march my last year of drum corps. Well, you know what? May came and I had to stay longer, and for good reason. If I'm not medically stable, I am probably not mentally or emotionally stable either. There is no room for that in drum corps, I'm aware that staying in treatment was a good idea but it was a really hard decision to make. I got out, went home right in the middle of the season, thought about filling a hole but my recovery was so fragile at that point. So I didn't and I relapsed anyways and went back to the same place shortly after.
I'm on a pass now and hopefully getting my stuff together. Do I want recovery? Some days. It's the hard days that I try to remind myself, I don't want life in an eating disorder. I tried that, look where it got me. It is absolutely miserable. Yet, it is so strong too, that it convinces me things will be different this time. I try so hard not to hear it but I can't.
On a different (or maybe related) note, I am going to a job interview tomorrow for a swim school. I am super excited but also worried it might trigger another return of my eating disorder. I really want to do my best with recovery but taking that kind of job is rough, I used it to fuel my exercise obsession in a big way, going at it all day long and not fueling my body was detrimental and as we saw in February led me to residential treatment for my eating disorder, not a happy time. I'll try to do a better job keeping my non-existent followers more up to date.

-A.

The cycle continues

Hello all!

I'm not great about keeping up to date with all of this. Honestly though, I am really struggling with the beast of PTSD, anxiety, and my eating disorder. Insurance pending I may be heading off to treatment again. I had to quit my job and that was really hard because I loved doing that kind of work. I may have to withdraw from all of my classes.....AGAIN. This is so frustrating but it will be my last time. I hope insurance cooperates because this is my time. I am struggling with the patience to know that whatever happens, will happen. I can only do so much to try to influence that. In effort to calm myself down I decided to listen to some talks. Naturally, Heavenly Father provided me with the exact thing I needed to hear at that moment.

Soon I was listening to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" a talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland from November 1999. Of course, I love all the talks done by Elder Holland, but this one spoke to my soul. I like the visual that God is with me every step of this journey, through all the hardships and triumphs. I will not perish forever. Also of note is the very soothing quote, "Don't give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." While at this moment it is hard to relive that feeling of comfort, it was awesome to feel at the time. I'm praying that I will find peace with what is to come.

I am actively trying to better myself despite the consequences and demons that are consuming me. I will try to do better with updating this blog too. Maybe even sharing it when the time comes. In the meantime, the wait continues!

-A.